


cigarette daydreams

by orphan_account



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:12:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18356483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Because even though Kyle tried really hard to just be happy with what he had, the friendship he had with Dan- no matter how rich and how strong and how close- wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. Because he loved Dan deeper than he could ever admit aloud. He loved Dan in a way that went beyond words, a way that was meant to be expressed in quiet whispers and bold movements and gentle touches.





	cigarette daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> kinda short and kinda messy but here ya go.  
> 

Kyle still remembers the first time he met Dan.

Dan was seventeen, and at only fifteen Kyle had a really hard time believing that Dan was actually older than himself. The smooth, pale, slightly freckled skin his face was so young, contrasting with the wild dark hair that stuck up in random directions, desperately in need of a trim, or at least a bit of styling.

But that day, the first day he met him, Kyle still remembers it as though it was yesterday. The two of them shared the same Intro to Psychology class. This was a course that was not required for graduation, so it wasn’t unusual that they mixed students of different ages. They were taking an exam, and as usual he hadn’t studied so most of his answers were just guesses. The classroom was deadly silent, the only noise being the occasion sniffle from that one kid with a cold or the quiet scribble of pencil on paper.

But then, for no apparent reason, a few minutes in, the boy with the crazy, dark hair jumped out of his seat, nearly knocking over the chair, grabbed his bag, and without further ado bolted out the door. It was almost comical, and part of Kyle didn’t blame the few students who chuckled at the scene. The teacher barely reacted, lifted his head and frowned- looking a bit confused but mostly indifferent. He then called Kyle over and had asked him to go check on the dark haired boy. Kyle protested, saying that he didn’t even know this kid, but the teacher really couldn’t be bothered and sent him regardless.

With a huff, Kyle left the room and wandered the empty halls of the building, checking around every corner and behind every door for the boy.

Just when his search was beginning to feel futile, he pushed the heavy metal doors of the the lecture hall open and stepped outside, and that’s where he saw who he was looking for.

Dan was standing alone, a cigarette between his fingers, leaning against the wall. His shoulders were hunched, his free arm crossed over his chest as though he was physically trying to hold himself together. He looked tense, everything about his body language screaming discomfort. 

Slowly, almost as though he was trying not to startle a wild animal, Kyle walked up to him and stood next to him, leaving a respectful distance between the two of them. Dan ignored his presence entirely, keeping his eyes trained on the street in front of them, almost as though he was counting the cars that passed by.

The two of them stood in silence for a few minutes. Kyle was unsure what to say, or if he should really be saying anything at all. He barely knew this kid, so what was he supposed to do? It felt invasive to ask what was wrong, and it felt insensitive to ask if they could go back to class.

Eventually though, Dan broke the silence.

“Do you ever wonder if we’ll get out of here?”

The boy with the wild hair put out his cigarette, and for the first time Kyle noticed that his pale hands were shaking furiously.

“I’ve never thought of it, really.” Kyle said slowly, looking up to meet Dan’s gaze. He was struck by just how blue those eyes were, but what really stood out to him was how afraid the older boy looked.

Dan quickly looked away, back at the cars passing by.

“If I had to stay here my whole life, I think I would kill myself.” Dan chuckled, a laugh that was not humorous but rather cynical.

“You don’t mean that.” Kyle had said quickly.

“Dunno. Maybe I do.” Was all Dan said before he picked up his bag and gestured for them to go back into the school building.

 

Ever since that day, the two of them had gotten closer and closer until they became inseparable. At school, they saw each other between classes. After school, they spent their free time together. The two of them were outcasts, Kyle bullied for his lanky frame and for his slight stutter, Dan simply too shy and too nervous and too  _ different _ to make friends anyway. But they found that in each other. They didn’t judge each other, and from that they built a beautiful friendship built on mutual respect and- most importantly- trust.

But then Kyle felt himself growing  _ too _ fond of Dan. He found himself wanting to get even closer to him, found himself looking at his eyes and his hair for a little too long. His skin would burn wherever Dan would touch him, and his stomach would feel funny when Dan laughed at his stupid half-baked jokes.

Kyle tried to force down his feelings, but the more he tried to repress them, the stronger they grew.

It came to a point where Kyle almost found it difficult to be around Dan. It was difficult to hear his voice because it made his heart beat uncontrollably faster. It was difficult to see his soft, pale skin and not be able to touch it.

  
  
  


Kyle also remembers the first time Dan left.

It was after graduation. Kyle was still in school but Dan was done, free from this suffocating little town, free from his parent’s control, free from the pressures of a small conservative family.

Kyle always knew that Dan intended to leave as soon as he could, apply to university, hopefully end up far, far away from this place.

And he did.

He applied to five schools, got into three, narrowed it down to one, and was set to leave for Leeds in September.

Kyle knew it wasn’t his place to tell Dan to stay, especially when his reasons were so selfish, but he couldn’t help but feel hurt, betrayed, even.  _ You and me against the world _ , was what Dan would always say.

Realistically, he knew that Dan leaving wouldn’t necessarily mean the end. They could call each other daily, and the train ride was only a couple hours, so Dan could theoretically visit some weekends and during holidays.

But Kyle also knew it wasn’t that simple.

As he watched Dan pack his things into the car on that stormy September evening, Kyle could only hope that his tears would pass for rain drops on his cheeks.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.” He whispered when Dan- who wasn’t the most touchy person- hugged him, tightly, almost as though he also knew this was the end of something.

“Me too.” Dan mumbled into his neck.

And then he was gone.

 

At first they kept in contact. They called every day, spoke for hours on end about everything and anything at all. And for a while Kyle could pretend that that was okay, that that was enough. That just being able to hear Dan’s voice could somehow fill the hole left in his soul that the older man left behind.

But then the calls became less frequent. Instead of everyday it became every other day, and then once a week, and then it was just the occasional text message saying that  _ things have gotten really busy _ and that they  _ needed to catch up soon. _

And it damn near broke Kyle’s heart.

Because while Dan was off at university meeting new people, making new friends, learning new things, Kyle was still stuck in that suffocating town with the same people, no friends, and no plan for the future.

He was lost.

He was positively lost.

And so Kyle was angry.

He was angry at his town for being so narrow minded, angry at Dan for leaving him behind, but most of all angry at himself for letting him go.

  
  
  


But Kyle also still remembers the first time Dan came back.

It was another stormy day. The grey sky was littered with dark, heavy clouds and the rain fell in sporadic drizzles-- dropping down heavily and then suddenly stopping as though it was never there at all.

Although it was a Thursday and school was in session, Kyle was at home under the excuse of feeling under the weather, but in truth, he was not actually ill. Rather, he was just tired of it all. Tired of the same mundane routine, the same uninteresting classes, speaking to the same horrible people every day. He was tired of pretending, pretending that he was fine and that he was happy when really every day seemed pointless and the future really did seem bleak.

He spent the entire day lying in bed, lacking the motivation to do anything but slip lazily in and out of sleep, reminiscing about a time where he had momentarily found peace, desperately clinging onto daydreams about a certain wild hair boy who had somehow managed to slip out of his life just as quickly as he became a part of it.

He was barely awake when he heard a soft knock on the large window by the side of his bed. At first he assumed it was the wind causing a branch to blow in the wind and knock against it, but then it happened, louder this time.

Kyle turned his head to the window and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

There, on the other side of the glass, was the dark hair and piercing blue eyes he had just found himself dreaming about.

And in that moment, as he held Dan (despite his half-hearted protests) in his arms tighter than ever before, any anger or resentment he had felt towards the older man for leaving was forgotten.

He told Kyle about how much he loved it, and how great it was, but also about how even though it was all that he had dreamed and hoped for, there was something missing.

And that thing was Kyle.

What had struck Kyle was just how upset Dan was.

Dan, who usually concealed all of his fears and anxieties under layers and layers of feigned indifference, was sobbing openly into Kyle’s shoulder. All Kyle could to was gently stroke his back and whisper words of comfort into his ear, holding him close and tight as though he might of just been some sort of hallucination, some sort of dream.

 

But it hadn’t been.

 

It had been two years now, two years since Dan had come back from university, two years since he had cried in Kyle’s arms, two years since their worlds became whole again. 

Dan of course went back to school, but not without promising to come back to visit  _ every single weekend _ instead of just for breaks and holidays. Kyle also went back to his routine, but with a new motivation, a new sense of purpose as he went into each day. Even when the people were shitty and the hours felt too long and too lonely, he had something to look forward to.

But today was different.

Today he was finally graduating secondary school, finally saying goodbye to the past and hello to his future. Thankfully, he had gotten into Leeds, and was finally able to be close to Dan all the time, whenever he wanted.

But still.

There was something missing.

Because even though Kyle tried really hard to just be happy with what he had, the friendship he had with Dan- no matter how rich and how strong and how  _ close _ \- wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. Because he loved Dan deeper than he could ever admit aloud. He loved Dan in a way that went beyond words, a way that was meant to be expressed in quiet whispers and bold movements and gentle touches.

And today, Kyle was planning on admitting it. He truly couldn't hold it in any longer, and there was no better time than now. There was no way he was ever going to feel ready to utter the words that would potentially shatter their friendship as it was, absolutely no way to feel calm and collected about the prospect of losing not only his best friend- but practically his  _ only  _ friend- all because of some incomprehensible feelings he couldn’t quite shake.

But he was tired of trying to keep them down. It was killing him, spending each and every day with his stupidly beautiful best friend, listening to him rant about coursework or spew on excitedly about whatever book he was currently reading, watching his thin lips form the vowels in a way that was so uniquely Dan, imagining his wild dark hair between his fingers, his pale skin forming goosebumps under his touch…

It was driving him mad.

So Kyle had to do something. At this point he thought that the rejection had to be better than this- this internal turmoil, this torturous battle with his own head and hear that would only end with him losing either way- so he was finally going to admit defeat and confess.

As he and Dan sat side by side on his unmade in bed in Kyle’s bedroom, he hoped that Dan was sufficiently distracted by his own rambling to not notice how uncharastically silent he was. His palms felt clammy with sweat and he was suddenly all too aware of the positioning of his limbs relative to Dan’s, crossing and uncrossing his legs in a weak effort to try to feel comfortable in the most uncomfortable of situations.

“Kyle, you alright?”

Dan’s question brought Kyle out of his thoughts and back into the present.

He glanced up to his best friend to see him blinking down at him with those ridiculously blue eyes of his, a furrow in his brow, concern painted all over his face.

“Y-yeah, I’m great.” Kyle replied with a forced smile that Dan clearly saw right through.

“Are you sure?”

Kyle sighed and looked to the ground, fidgeting his hands in his lap.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked again, but Kyle couldn’t bare to look at him.

He took a deep breath.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Kyle whispered, his voice wavering slightly.

“Do what?” Dan asked, clearly very confused.

“I can’t be your friend anymore.” Kyle rushed out, clutching the edge of the bed with his hands and squeezing his eyes shut.

There was a long silence.

“Did I do something wrong?” Dan asked- voice small- and Kyle looked up to see that his eyes were wet with tears, and it just about broke his heart.

“No- fuck- no. Dan, no, of course not.” Kyle went to reach out to touch him but then immediately retracted his hand mid air. “Jesus, of course not. You did nothing.”

“Than why?” Dan asked, an edge to his voice that was only betrayed by the wobble of his lip as he fought tears.

“I just-- I can’t bare it.”

“Bare what?”

“Pretending.”

“Pretending about what?”

“Pretending that I’m not fucking in love with you!” Kyle shouted.

Another heavy silence fell upon the room.

Dan was staring at him, his jaw open slightly as he looked at Kyle in disbelief.

Kyle just wished he could disappear. He watched Dan cautiously, preparing himself for the worst possible outcome. For all he knew, Dan could be some secret homophobe and disgusted by Kyle and who he was, or maybe, Dan wasn’t a homophobe but was still disgusted that Kyle would fall for his best friend, or maybe, Dan would be angry--

“Kyle, why didn’t… um… why didn’t you just, tell me?”

Dan said it with such a small voice, Kyle wasn’t even sure he heard him.

“It’s not exactly easy to admit, isn’t it?”

Dan hummed in understanding and stared at his feet.

Kyle regarded him intently for a minute before building up the courage to ask,

“So, uh, is that… is that okay?”

“Is it okay that you’re in love with me?” Dan asked.

Kyle just nodded.

“Yeah, it’s quite convenient actually.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Well, I kinda might be just a bit in love with you too.” Dan said with a warm smile, his eyes sparkling.

Now it was Kyle’s turn to gape at him, and he watched as Dan chuckled with amusement, his tears long forgotten and replaced with sweet laughter that sounded like music to Kyle’s ears. 

“I hate you.” Kyle moaned, but he was smiling too.

“Really? Because you just told me you loved me. I’m getting kind of mixed signals here.” Dan teased.

“Shut up.” Kyle laughed as he finally gave in to the urge to grab Dan by the shoulders and pulled him close, relishing in the feeling of his soft hair under his chin and his small frame in his arms. He fell down on the bed and pulled Dan down with him so that their eyes were level. He felt Dan’s warm breath against his skin and felt his heart rate increasing as he stared into his eyes, looking for any sign of hesitation before he shut them and connected their lips in a slow, soft, kiss- hopefully the first of many.

When they seperated, Dan just smiled but to Kyle it was the sun. His eyes were the sky and his freckles the stars and his hair the grassy plains. In this crazy universe full of uncertainty and evil and disappointment, Dan was his hope.

Dan was his world.

  
  



End file.
